I am the Boat

I saw myself at the beach. Bobbing there in the mist. So freezing I came here for the sun and respite and there were raging black waves and wind chill minus 40 not really and that pirate ship floating there.

The dogs and I took a walk to the rocks like we do in summer and this is definitely not summer tho I am desperately trying to make it keep it so

My body aches so tired I lift wipe feed

I lay down on the dog sandy blanket and there's that ship out there just a rugged old fashioned sailboat like a boat from another time, sails down, anchored there nothing holding it up just a solid base

The dogs and I do nothing we lay here and the fog tries to clear a little and my daughter is just up the beach at college and my son is just up the beach at another college and I hear a train whistle and I'm not going anywhere

I haven't gone anywhere in 15 months

I've just been the face for my mom so she could see a face as she dies a face she knows and loves and trusts. I'm trying to be that face 

The waves disappear they turn green the kind you can see through

they aren't as mad

The boat has stayed the same just bobbing there like nothing is happening like the world isn't turbulent then soft then freezing then hot now flat

The dogs dig and bark at people unfriendlyish even though they're the most friendly dogs ever

I cry into the sand not because I'm sad but because I am not even consulted in this life I'm just doing this life for her and the everydayness is overwhelming. And I'm good, I take myself here and I go to the creek and I care for horses which are the quietest form of nurture nature

I am doing things best for all involved to survive maybe not thrive but if you're the 14 year old at my house, you're at least learn that love is work and care

The waves are whipped cream turbulent, fake busy now, just icing on a sunny sea

Sun brings back sparkle and I forget to be sad or helpful and just be ears hearing seagulls laughing it's so hot where we live I never meant to like it but now I can't imagine liking anything else

The boat doesn't need a solid sea because it has a solid base

It's not afraid of anything