Security Guard

There are a few random times in my life where I felt like everything was right. Like everyone important was there and I could float rest die happy.

Once when I was driving in Jason's car and I was maybe 22 and my dog Jed was in the car and we were driving past those yellow umbrellas that artist had decorated the hills with. I remember feeling the security of a moment on that grey road with him and that car and that dog thinking 

everyone is here

Everything is alright

everything is right

Today I felt that looking at the pool after exercising after feeding her and everyone is either in the house sleeping or doing school in bed and it's almost summer and dogs are lying around and I was floating in the pool reading an amazing open hearted writer who speaks from years ago the same feelings this very person me here in modern times feels 

This security

I don't always get that we aren't on a first name basis 

And my mom can't make sentences and she cries but I fixed her toes she has healing toenails because of me and even if she isn't rich she's still mine. She would be spending time crying anyway if she were in a nursing home just without her perfect toes and me next to her

Her toes aren't perfect

They're just better than they were. Medicine on them every day for almost a year, meticulous caring to small things

works

anyway I had that moment. 

The Jason car moment.

Here

I have it in the woods when Kurt is ahead and disappears in the jungle and all we hear are the horses and the dogs trustily exploring along. The path we know so well it's different every time and there is always peace in water

standing in creeks in Canada

In the ocean in Ventura with my little dots of kids and dogs on shore

Never far away

Near a cabin on a lake in New Hamsphire with my loving dad

Catching a fish with Lilly and Nathan and Uncle David and Chris

On the smooth kayak water flat as frosting with Emma

I don't always breathe I forget to breathe because life takes alot of organizing and you should see my garage

But being there and security and being wrong every day about something

why are we not all reaching for that

that's where the joy is

I am listening

I love you mom

I know you do

I know you do, she says.

When I put her in bed she says I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's okay, I say. Fixing her necklace that she's always worn and doesn't care about anymore. I just watched the Oscars. No awards for this.

I care about her necklace. I'm glad it's only me that she only had one daughter. You have to be strong and not want to share with anyone and so I have that. She belongs to me like only she and I know.

I regret not wedding dress shopping with her. She said you have only one daughter you see how that feels. Otherwise I guess I've made up.

I was feeling her bony chest and thinking I can't cut in there and find where she is. What makes her her isn't in there.

Walking from her place, the moon is covered in clouds, dim. I see why they do funerals. To honor the ones you love, you need to celebrate them.

I said to my mom whatcha thinking about

She said whatever you are

Sitting in the kitchen with my mom:

Mom: is your mom here

me: yes my mom is here

Mom: right here in the kitchen?

me: right here in the kitchen!

My friend Rebecca said "I think they are sending others in to check where she is"

I am listening

Just now I bring her a drink out in the sun and I give her a kiss and she says

I love you

and smiles.

I love you

Don't worry. Don't worry.

I shouldn't worry? I say

No. She says.