Mag on the Mountain

Rode Magammemnon up the mountain today. Just the small mountain, a loop up the closest trail and back. You don't know, it's taken like 8 months of riding 4 times a week, 160 days consistently, weeks training on streets and in the arena, to get to this small victory. This is all I wanted,to be able to go up the trail, without getting bucked off, without being scared, and come home refreshed from seeing a tiny bit of wide open space. With Maggie today I learned (or reinforced), that you can't QUIT. When she wants to turn around at the top of the mountain and scurry back down the way we came, when she grinds her feet into a stop and looks at me like NO WAY, PARTNER. Ain't doin it for you, she said. My reaction today was F*#$ You Aren't. And I gave her a whale of a kick. She looked at me like awww, man. And she decided okay, I'll do it for you. There were two points in my ride where she tried to pull the plug and I had to say No. (Plug.) Go. In a forceful way that doesn't seem fitting on a pale and gentle flower such as myself. I have to FORCE THROUGH fear. The rest is sort of easy, actually. When there is resistance, I have to barrel right through it. I figure now, maybe tomorrow when I ride, it'll be a little bit easier. And next time, even easier. As I know with her, eventually our new path on the mountain will be routine, and she'll be pretty reliable and good. Then when we start driving, when I get the balls up to hitch her to the new old cart we have, I'll have to start all over with new challenges. But at least I've learned, Tough. Shove. 1400 pounds needs a strong hand, and once she learns to be safe, then it takes less and less force. And eventually our little rides and drives will be a water ballet.

We harnessed Maggie up yesterday on a blustery warm Saturday and it took four adults to walk her and drive her on the ground, and get her used to the poles next to her stomach that we carried and jostled against her so she can get used to the shafts of the cart. My neighbor gave us her training cart to use, which is broken but I think we can fix it and then the kids will get to take little rides, once we get her used to it. Small steps to getting her ready, I figure when she's ready, the cart will be ready! It was exciting, though, to see the kids excited, and Maggie really became the Family Horse in that day, because they saw that she was going to be useful and the center of all of us, like a car that breathes, and needs food. A part of the family. Also, this unicycle is an interesting thing because it reinforces all the things I'm good at, or can learn: Stop. Climb on. Balance. Sit deeply. It's okay when your heart flips when you feel like you're falling. Fear keeps you resolute, keeps you trying. It's ridiculous, trying to sit on a pole, on one wheel. It's so pointless. It's not a skill you can use ANYWHERE. Unless maybe you're French, or a midget, or both. But that is precisely why, training a horse to drive in 2012, and riding a unicycle, are so important. Right? Because when we get her used to driving, we will be able to get somewhere at FOUR MILES AN HOUR. And when I am able to sit on the unicycle without falling, I'll be able to sit on a unicycle. hehheh

My Kingdom for a Butt Scratch

This is from my friend Lee on the phone: "Next time we're at the toxic waste dump, we'll swing by." Now that's love. I took Maggie on the trail alone for the first time in a long time. I was feeling brave. I did learn something, and that is you never let a 1400 pound friend that you're riding make any decisions. Once I realized I had to be very strong with Maggie, and then let her trust me, she is excellent on the trail. She says "I'm scared of that big plastic bag. Don't make me go over there. I'm thinking of turning and running away like a crazy woman on fire." She says this by arching her neck really high and looking around for the nearest fire exit. I have learned that under all that momentary fear, she is fat and lazy. So I say "Hey, you're scared of that?? Hey, let's go SEE that, let's go FAST over to SEE that." And I kick her to move forward. She immediately starts rethinking her plan of escaping as soon as there's any FAST MOVEMENT involved. She says, "Wait, wait wait, I don't REALLY want to run off. That bag isn't looking that scary. Please don't make me move faster. In fact, I'll put my head down and stop acting retarded if you stop kicking me to go faster." And that's how we had a very happy and almost relaxed trail ride today, I listened. She listened. We are almost partners. Especially if I give her a really nice carrot and a really nice butt scratch when we get home. Scratches make good friends.

At Least Mag is Not a C Bag

I met the lady that was with the lady who was calling her horse a cuntbag. It turns out that lady was TRAINING her horse, and part of the training was to bitch the horse out with foul and colorful language. It also turns out she funly fired that trainer and now has a trainer who uses weird things like gentle touch and patience with her horse. Thought you'd want to know the haps on that particular scene. Mag and I just plod along, in her case, literally, moving forward and trying not to be afraid of things like wandering peacocks and miscellaneous trash bags blowing in the wind. I am a much better rider after htese 7 months, as if at 45 I really wanted to take a hard look at my riding skills, especially by training a green horse. But it has given me confidence. Now I can go home and pack a lunch or clean out the kids closets with confidence. heh heh

Check Out the Mouth on That Chick

I'm certainly glad I had a better day with Maggie in the public arena than the girl before me... Mags and I were standing there with our lips hanging out (hers more than mine, bigger bottom lip and more gravity) while the girl in the arena in front of us was chasing her horse around and yelling "f*&^ing cuntbag" at her in the nicest way, actually not so nice even. (I left cuntbag in because it's so unusual.)

When she stormed out dragging her horse who looked like she really wanted to go home with us or maybe get a job at a Chevron station or something, Mags and I went in the ring and did our normal, boring, excellent work where Maggie did everything and stopped so she could be petted and loved.

It was a glorious day. For all cuntbags.

Maggie Can Canter

Maggie has cantered three times on the lunge line. For all those people out there who are working with their green PMU mares, this is a nice step. Haven't ridden at the canter, but at least she does GO, and she doesn't try to get away or cause trouble. So she's taking the next step. There are no other gaits she has to learn, so eventually she might be a regular old riding horse.

I walked her across our really busy Sunland Blvd the other day to get to my friend Mary's house, so we could get used to that area. She did fine with everything, it was only these huge great danes on the hill that looked like roaming wild lions that made her nervous. Which then made me nervous because I didn't want her to run over me on her way to escape. We just have to walk over there again, and she'll see that it's a routine and then maybe I can relax too.

Chub Chub Gaining Confidence

Two things- gave up on Mags and then started reading books about how to bombproof you horse and it says things like "listen to what your horse is asking," (by her behavior) so I knew she needed company. She's always lived in a herd. So I started taking Hank the Anchor dog out with us, and she is so happy. She plods along and Hank plods along and nerves are settled, collecting dust somewhat. So this in turn, helps me sit more relaxed, and helps build confidence so the next time we go out, I am stronger, and we work better together. Also, she has never had a person. I am her first person. So after 7 mos, she is learning my cues, trying to do what I ask, and making less of her own decisions. In fact, the more I clarify my cues and make things simple, the better she is able to execute what I'm asking. We are both trying to figure it out.

Also she's been a mom, and I think that changes a person. Animal. Your mind/body is not quite the same. Even though her mind is a walnut. It has still changed a fraction. You are wholer after kids, your body has become a fast food restaurant. You naturally think you know best. Because you have been a food court. And you have been a manufacturer. You don't argue with the boss.

So Mags and I may have similar outlooks. Plus her body looks like I feel inside. Squatty, dumpy, comfy, sturdy, round, slow, with nice fur. In short, gorgeous.

An important thing the book says, too, is that the stronger you are when making decisions, the more your horse will trust you. If you waffle (god I love waffles), they think, 'wait, if SHE'S not sure, then I'M not sure' and then they start making all the decisions, like running for home or eating candy for breakfast. So you gotta be confident to gain their trust, and then pretty soon you're a team and then you both can relax. Confidence is the path to relaxation. Who'd a thunk. I always thought hot tubs were the path to relaxation.

Okay, so that's where we are on the horse path of life. Oh, and her nickname is Chubs. Chub Chub.

Three's Company

Gave up on Maggie and decided to give her to my friend. I even sent the email saying take her, take her.

Then I ignored the horse for two days. No radio on in the barn, no special treats. Then I decided oh, I'll just take you out with Hank. You just need company and you won't bolt off with me. So for the last three days we went out with Hank and huge trucks came by and no bolt. Small dogs running at the park, and no big deal.

Maybe Maggie was telling me, I'm just scared. Have Hank the Anchor there on the ground walking along relaxed and I'll be relaxed, I like a herd.

So that's what we're trying. The horse lets you know what she needs. Also, I like the company.

Walking and Talking

I can't stop sucking in movies - when you walk on the treadmill you can't FOCUS on the walking, it would kill you. So now I'm watching every movie known to man that I've missed since Charlie Chaplin first started recording them in celluloid. Okay, so I have ALOT more to go.

I should maybe try to get my masters while on the treadmill.

Ride Out

Well for Maggie lovers out there, this horse is doing spectacularly. For people worrying about my treadmill, it is really dangerous and almost killing me. I must get it tuned up.

But back to Mags, the "trainer" came out yesterday and I'm always glad NOT to be riding her and just observing. Less stress. We did some arena work and she is doing really well. I'm am again learning that I may NOT get bucked off.

This morning in the heat of March, Hank the dog and I went riding to the arena. We both like the company, the dog is like the staple to the earth. Nothing bad can happen with Hank there. So we moseyed to the park and Maggie did everything right and then we came back and I can see that more time, repetition, routine, Maggie is learning to be a riding horse who listens. Which means safety for the rider.

Just have to keep doing what I'm doing, shoving back the fear, locking it away, swing up on to the horse, ride out.

Hey Jule, Shut Up Already

Learned to keep parts of my mind to myself. It's good to write honestly, but my audience gets confused. I think I should be working on a bigger project and keep my inner workings to myself. This blogging, I forget people might actually read it. I use it as a colon cleanse. Mostly everything coming out is going to be mixed in shit. heh

Hey, I miss Lukey.

Spent the night enjoying my cold and waking up so many times I never realized how long a night is. It's like, FOREVER. I could have flown to Australia and back.

So Much to Do, So Little Gets Done

Hey, so PhD Girl has ridden my horse 3 times and she's so much better at everything than me that I may just enroll in a PhD program of my own except wait I don't want to go to school. I'm already doing so much of Nathan's homework and what with Emma's Rosa Parks report, and Lilly learning the numbers, I'm swamped.

I'm supposed to be furthering my writing and here I am in dirty sweatpants because all I can do really in the 2 hrs off from all kids, is get on that fat horse and pretend I'm making progress. We are SORT of making progress, I mean progress is so SLOW that it's hard to see the progress. I see why people build buildings, or bind books when they're done writing them, so they can SEE the beginning, middle and end. There's an actual end.

My dad, who actually cares about me furthering my writing, has all these ideas about how to push my stuff out there, but I just want to push it out of my head and form it, and then print it out, show it to Barry and a few other people, as many as want to read, and it's done. It would be nice to widen my audience, but I would also like to just be writing again. In my spare time.

It just seems pathetic. But maybe if you push through pathetic there is alot of money. I should keep going. I just wrote it SO LONG ago. But then, so did Shakespeare.

Gotta go make lunch. I am working out what thing to write next. Have many unfinished, and one finished that I could look for a publisher. Guess I have to do it all at once. But then who will make lunch?

Maggie is doing pretty well. I learned from the Amazing Rider Girl that it is possible to be solid, grounded, and relaxed. I am good at feigning these things, she's suggesting actually USING them in the saddle. Stop floating around with my head in a bubble. Just be solid. Wait, look - butterfly...what?

Maybe We Can Do Her Some Good

I should relabel this blog PMU Adventure. Life with a fat and slow rescue horse.

I read in Anne of Green Gables, when the Cuthberts get a girl (Anne) instead of the boy orphan they wanted to help around the farm, Marilla says "What good is she going to do us?" And Matthew, the serene character, offers quietly "We might do her some good."

I do think I've learned with this Maggie horse character that I had my foot stomping need to have a horse in my life to see everyday, while we have the barn and the land and the hay to keep one. But then she came here and thankfully I had no idea how much courage it would take to get on and ride an untried big fat horse everyday, because I would have wimped out. Sincerely.

But everyday I got on that horse whether I wanted to get on or not. With fear in my boots. Sloshing full of fear. Because of that pony that bucked me off and broke my hand.

It's been six months next Monday that she's been here. I see an inkling ahead that maybe the hard part is over. She is used to the routine of riding. I have a girl with a modern name like Madison who will come once a week and school her. Maybe it is the presence of this phantom girl who will only really see Maggie for an hour a week that has given me a sense of settling into my pants. (When I'm on the horse.) I used to be afraid, what if she sees something and gets scared and then I'm whisked off and I die and yay no more meals to make but no, no dying. And this girl says, "Just have a quiet seat, she sees something that scares her, her head goes up. You just sit there like eh, that's nothing, she feels that, she settles back down." You are then leading her while not doing anything but relaxing.

So lately my rides with Maggie have been I Can Do It, not Please, Can I Do It? Solid leg on the sides of her, to squeeze her forward like toothpaste shooting in front of us. Holding her with my legs so she knows she has someone leading her forward. Today we went around the park in the wind, which scares any horse, and she did everything I asked with only a few moments of worry. When my leg got stronger and my seat got quiet, she got more confident, and her head dropped down and we both sighed.

The sign of a good ride.

She's coming around the corner, and there will be the time I've been looking forward to, the time when she's no longer new, she's gently used, and we're good for each other.

Whoa Girl

Maggie and Lilly expressing the thumbs. A girl is coming to help ride Maggie on Sunday. She's 25, got a PhD in mechanical engineering and is also a national champion rider. I felt very large and flappy in the mind when standing beside her. I felt like a prarie mom. Hopefully she will teach Maggie how to be well behaved for our kids, so I can turn her loose on them in the summer. Oops, I mean turn them loose on her.

Ridin Really Wide

Got a new saddle with some of my Christmas money, my first new saddle ever in my life. It's not a real saddle, it's like a bareback pad, squishier, called a treeless saddle.

It's so WIDE on already WIDE Maggie that after about half an hour in the saddle there is actually no way I could get off. My legs are stuck straight out that way.

So I have to do some stretching, throwing my legs to the sky and having someone shove them out in the splits. And hold them that way. Til I break, or they loosen up.

Frenemies

After that disastrous day out with Maggie where I decided turning her into a bag of dog food would be the kindest thing I could do with her - the next day I went out with Nigel on the trail.

Except for spooking at a parked boat (seems boats are the most TERRIFYING SHAPE, and I'm thinking she had a terrible boating accident when she was Agent 91, Super Spy), she did excellently well - she does so well with a friend horse along. It wasn't until 45 minutes into the ride, when we were heading back in from a new trail, that I could relax, I could feel my legs come down from up in my shoulders and actually touch the sides of Maggie's stomach. I believed in her instead of being scared. Alot of my problems are me. She's just being a horse that never did anything or saw anything before these last 5 months. She's just being honest. And honestly, all she needs is a buddy for trail rides to get her comfortable (she keeps telling me with body language, pretty specifically) and on days I don't have Nigel or someone to ride with, I can just do circles in the street near my house, where she's comfortable. You know, read her signs and do what she can do, and build up our connection. But I have to believe in her and tell her so by being relaxed. Believe in me. Too.

So lying in bed that night I realize, oh, wait, she's my 4-H project. My 45-H project, since I'm way old to be in 4-H. Like my friend Chris said, just pretend you're taking a class in things you're scared of, and your mind will open up. So she's a 4-H project, and that gives me some balls.

Also, she's been having some fungus that is making her rub all the hair off her face so I've had to rub her down with Listerine twice a day, which I don't know, gives her really fresh breath. So my hands smell like an old man Hebrew Choir, seriously, old man fresh.

Love hate relationship, I'm just going to try and stick with my project. Why is worrying so ample and buxom??

Brother, Would You Sell a Friend?

I don't know what to do about Big Fat Maggie. Mostly, if I sell her, I'd want to name the new horse Maggie. If there was a new horse.

She's just big and difficult and I'm old and senile-ish. I have no right being up on a green horse. I should be up on an old senile horse. Definitely.

The problem is, I've spent MONTHS with this horse. And she needs maybe another 5 months of me not being afraid. It's like she's reached giant toddler stage, so she knows SOME rules, but she doesn't want to really listen to those rules all the time. And she's 1400 pounds.

I don't know, gentle reader. I just got a used bareback pad to fit her huge gut off ebay. Of course, in the week that I decide I probably should find an easier horse to ride. So I have to wait at least til it comes so I can use it once. Before I get a smaller horse. Anyway. Luckily there are plenty of horses out there, and two friends are interested in taking my horse. So no money would be lost or spent. But it's hard to sell a friend. Especially, what if she's destined for greatness? But she is a really pushy horse. I wouldn't mind a less pushy horse.

Okay, more later.

52 New Things

My friend Spew is going to do 52 Meet Ups this year. I decided I'm going to try 52 New Things. One new thing a week.

I'm behind a few weeks cause the year already started. But I can count meeting a new friend - I did that today.

The next thing is going to be ice cream. I'm almost sure. I want to try unicycling. Anything out there you're going to try??

Right now I'm going to try and be on time picking up Lilly. That's a new thing.

Friends for Mags

Maggie has a new friend. Well, two new friends. It's been 5 months since she got here - and yesterday we went out on the trail with another horse and my friend Nigel. He borrowed the horse from a neigh bor. (Get it "neigh" bor?) Anyway, he came and picked me up on horseback, just like in Sense and Sensibility. I'm hoping he brings a carriage next time and then changes the neighborhood into a scenic valley with a Lake of Shining Waters, and has fresh sandwiches packed in a basket. I will then disappear completely into my imagination. But as Anne says, that's all we need. My trail rides will still be full of shining lakes and verdant valleys. Who cares if we live next to the dump.

I was nervous to take her out with Nigel, who I thought as a boy and an ex-jockey, wouldn't baby us but would instead make us do dangerous stunts, but of course he hasn't BEEN a jockey in several thousand years, and we just walked along the trail. Also, I was afraid that Maggie might somehow cause a scene, fight, freak out, I had never seen her really with other horses, and what she did was very funny, all she did was hurry up to follow the other horse with her nose almost imbedded in the other horse's butt, and that's where she wanted to stay. Goodyou'rehereI'lljustfollowyoudon'tmindmynoseIloveyourbuttit'sgreat. Thank god that horse wasn't a kicker, Maggie would currently have no face.

I should mention that Maggie was extremely oily because I had freaked out thinking she had chicken lice (a great soup if you're sick, by the way) because she was rubbing all her fur off, and so I went out the night before and dusted her with this white powder until she looked like a Ghost Horse, and then she was still itchy the next day and I looked up lice and I looked up itchy horse butt (as I'm sure you all have) and then I found some sane person online that said um, dandruff anyone? So I checked her mane and tail and she had a ton of dandruff, which I had kind of thought but who listens to intuition these days - since she had come from a wet environment (CO and N. Dakota) and ended up in weirdly hot January in California - yes, I think scratching all your dry skin off until you push the fence off it's brackets is in order.

So I washed her with Head and Shoulders and then doused her with mineral oil on the itchy spots, and now I could fry an egg on her and it wouldn't stick (very hard to get her over the stove). So that's how we went on our trail ride, me on the greasy fat horse and Nigel on the refined ex-polo pony who didn't mind my horse's face in her ass. Noble, it turns out, was not only her name.

But it was the first trail ride with company, and it helps to have reinforcements, why have I forgotten that? Because I couldn't afford reinforcements. But it is so much better. Except for one dog who charged the fence so much as we passed that Maggie, who was patient patient patient until finally just flipped out and bucked and stormed forward but I had the One-Rein Emergency stop in my new bag of tricks that I've learned as Scared Rider, so I ripped her head to the left and aimed her at the opposite fence (which was coming at us rapidly) and she contained herself. She is a very mellow mare most of the time, she only has these momentary explosions and leaps forward or some very exciting nonsense for about three strides, enough to outdistance her panic, and then she stops, panic-free, the panic is now three strides back, and I'm now choking on my own panic, but she's fine, ready to keep going now. Thanks. And I keep thinking, thank god the kids aren't on her, but duh, of course the kids aren't on her. This is WHY you're on her. She'll be good at kid riding when you're done at training. In time.

So we'll work on that. It's only been a few months. The more exposure, the more it's eh, that's just a stupid dog.

And then 2nd friend, today I met Lottie, who is looking to do some horse bonding and responded to my craigslist ad for horse help. I wanted someone who wanted to come out once a week and play with Maggie in exchange for a bale of hay, to help with her costs. I couldn't have found a better person - she's a sweet girl/mom, college student, just wants to braid Maggie's hair and put ribbons in it. Time away from her kids and work, to relax. Maybe eventually to ride, but for now, she just wants to bring a bale of hay and play for a little while and get to know her. Perfect arrangement. Perhaps later, she and her kids can move into the tiny apartment being built onto our house, and marry Tim, the construction worker who already lives there. Heheh

Could Fear Wait Over There, Please?

I took a bunch of kids ice skating today. We also went Monday, and it seemed like Monday was more fun maybe because it was Monday and not today, where everything is fresher and we had to compare it to Monday, the better day.

This time there were six pairs of skates to tie on six different people, and I'm not kidding, a half hour later I finally finished. Leaving only and hour and a half to skate the 50 bucks I spent to get everybody in. There was one kid that should never, EVER have soda because he talks so fast anyway, having him talk while hyped up on soda was like traveling on the Millenium Falcon on hyperdrive. It was kind of amazing to behold.

But I didn't get into this blog to talk about the skating, this is my Maggie blog. I didn't get to ride or work with the Mag today because the kids were home and there wasn't that hole in the day that I could jam a 1400 pound cowhorse into. I did manage to lay on the diving board face down in the sun with Lilly wearing SpongeBob pajamas at like 1 in the afternoon. While Emma was in the treehouse, and Nathan was riding around the neighborhood collecting Christmas trees to bring home and cut up with a chainsaw. (The urban boy's firewood gathering.)

Maggie has been here almost five months, and getting on her everyday, whether I want to or not, just being a robot and doing the same things over and over so it becomes routine, has helped to shape her into a riding horse. She's 80% there. She still has maybe 19% I Want to Do Things My Way in her mind. But she's learning. I ride with about 20% fear. I'm trying to reduce that. I took Hank with us to give her some company, and I spent so much time yelling at the dog who kept wrapping himself around poles and stepping all over his leash, that I forgot to be scared, I was too busy being angry and yelling at him. It was kind of refreshing, to have the immediacy of anger to focus me away from the internal dread of getting bucked off. I might take Hank more often, it made an hilarious circus train of a ride, I'm sure all the people passing in cars on the street were amusing by Cussing Girl with Dog and Pony Trailside Show.

I should maybe designate a recepticle that I could place my fear in as I head out to ride, and retrieve it later, because it sure takes over everything. Maybe I'll put it all in the mailbox. Maybe I can accidentally mail it in with my Netflix and never have to see it again. Until I rent it next week. Dammit.

Aside from Maggie having an itchy neck and butt and scraping all the hair off those places, she's a healthy and fat individual. So far.